Confessions of a mom of four

I'm exhausted, beyond it more than I ever have been in my entire life. 

More than I ever have been after having a baby that first week.

Definitely on the path of post-partum depression, but the early stages. Thankfully I have been through this a couple of times so I know the subliminal signs of it and can catch it early before I start neglecting my children. I know that this too shall pass, but there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. I feel like I'm in a state of zombieness. It's like a mediciney head type feeling where my head isn't connected to my body anymore and I just float through motions that have been a habit as a mom for 5 years. I don't want to get out of bed, yet I force myself to. I don't want to keep up with chores for the house, yet I force myself to. 

I could fall asleep at the wheel. If I get a full nights rest (which is extremely rare), I feel like it's 3 hours and if I get 3 hours I feel like it's 3o mins. I rage and then I'm stoic. Huge mood swings.

 I feel like my immediate family should just understand it and deal with it, but that's not fair. I need to deal with it first. Stop being in denial and thinking it's something more wrong with me, than just plain ole depression again. I hate it! But I'm glad I recognize it. IT's not fair! I'm a mom of four, completely no time for myself, I'm wasted by 5 pm and not in the alcohol sense (I wish) I can barely drink two glasses of wine! So now I must make time, I don't know how, but Mike is ready and willing to do what it takes to get me back to the wife and mom I like to be.

My first step is exercise, since that is what helped me with both Riordan and Teagan. Riordan I should have gone on meds, but then I got pregnant with Teagan so those pregnant hormones helped and somewhat hurt too! LOL. Mike is getting a vasectomy on Friday (HURRAYY!) so soon I won't have to stress about getting pregnant again.

So on the very rainy Monday, I confess:

Kelly I forgot your birthday on Friday! I am so sorry you have had a helluva end of the year and I'm sure that didn't help! I pray that you had birthday cake though, it really helps to eat something yummy I have found.

ANY one else I forgot, please forgive me! AND Happy Birthday!

I started Weight Watchers last Monday and did well till I got on the plane to Georgia. I cut back on all this chocolate that made me happy and found I was even MORE tired and MORE cranky. But I did feel better cutting out my cokes and Starbucks. So back to brownies I go, and trying Diet Dr. Pepper for some caffeine. I have no clue what my starting weight is or what I'm at now, still waiting on my scale to arrive via UPS from Target!

I have been extremely out of touch with a lot of friends a) it's impossible to talk on the phone b) I don't want to bring you down on how hard it really is with having 4 so close in age c) I don't know what's going out in the world today expect for politics every now and again d) I'm tired of holding my head up high and acting like everything is perfectly fine and doable and great and wonderful and and and.. get my point? 

I confess that I'm taking time out for myself and I may not be the always thoughtful, helpful person I have come to be known for in the past. But this will pass soon I pray and with exercise, Aislinn getting older and hopefully sleeping through the night (she won't take a bottle either) I can come back to me, whoever she may be. 

Because quite frankly I don't know who she is anymore when I look in the mirror after having 4 children in less than 5 years. She is tired, has dark circles for the first time in her life, the biggest she has ever been after having a baby and didn't gain the weight she did with the previous three, and that sparkle in her eye she once could see isn't there anymore.

I am thankful that my husband gets it and understands it. I am thankful that I have my girls coming once a week now instead of every other. Without them, our house would be in shambles for sure. Now just to keep up with laundry!!

I am thankful for my friends who get it and don't need an explanation because they see me all the time and help any which way they can. I am thankful for my friends who haven't seen me, but get it now ;-)

I pray for my children for the things I have said, well wait, screamed at them, my patience is beyond worn thin and I'm hanging by a thread. I give them all love, hugs, and kisses as much as I can to try and replace any hurt I may have caused them. I will not let them go to bed without a smile on their face, I should take my own advice.

I just got back from Atlanta visiting my parents and my sisters and their families. I'm just as worn out as when I left. I didn't sleep well and I didn't get to bathe the two days I was there. I didn't have the comforts of home for Aislinn that allowed me to do this. No extra hands to hold her when it was bath time and when we did get home all Caden and I wanted to do was sleep. But not Aislinn she would stay awake till past midnight both nights, have her regular middle of the night feedings, and then Caden would get up at 6:30 am.

She did however do amazingly  well on the plane. She slept the ENTIRE way back home last night. She slept 2 hours and 15 mins out there and it's a 3 1/2 hour flight. Caden rocked as a traveler as well. I'm so thankful for him and his grown up ways. Yet I still want to make sure he has fun and is goofy like a 5 year old should be. He's just so intuitive, it blows my mind.

Our visit with my family was so fun and precious and lots of great memories. My visit with Natalie was wonderful too. I wish I had more time to see other friends, but I just couldn't will it. 

My body is ready to crash at a moments notice, but I will myself to go on. And pray this time goes by faster than a blink of an eye. The depressive state, not my children's childhood years.